


About the Whole Sex Affair

by Ferrety



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Asexual Character, I mean sorta, M/M, celestial sex, discussions about sex, it's mostly sfw, no filth this time but it's gonna come back ooooooh don't worry folks, well Crowley thinks sex is gross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 01:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21066500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferrety/pseuds/Ferrety
Summary: Guys, it's been YEARS. I can't top the snake sex fic just yet. This is my warming up, to COME BACK KICKING IN THIS FANDOM, HECK YEAH.and no. it's not weird porn this time.But don't worry! I know why you're here. I know you want the FILTH. I got you. Next time, i WILL bring the filth.





	About the Whole Sex Affair

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, it's been YEARS. I can't top the snake sex fic just yet. This is my warming up, to COME BACK KICKING IN THIS FANDOM, HECK YEAH.  
and no. it's not weird porn this time.  
But don't worry! I know why you're here. I know you want the FILTH. I got you. Next time, i WILL bring the filth.

"What I'm saying is... what I mean is, God really played a dirty trick on humans with the whole sex affair."

Aziraphale hummed, a sound that could have meant anything. The kind of sound one usually emits when they have absolutely nothing to say on the matter at hand, and it doesn't necessarily interest them, but they're being polite. The kind of sound you can slap any interpretation onto.

Crowley's head rested on Aziraphale's left knee. The rest of the demon was sprawled on the rest of the sofa. Aziraphale was reading, one of his arms propped on the armrest, the other on Crowley's chest, both of them holding his latest acquisition, a Gutemberg Bible with the most unfortunate typos that he had been hunting down for quite a while.

"For a start, it's gross."

Aziraphale snorted.

"No, really, have you seen- well, you must know, so, you know. It's gross."

"It's a manifestation of love, my dear."

"You're not denying it's gross, then."

Aziraphale, smiling good-naturedly, lightly pinched Crowley's nose.

"I'm sure God had reason to make it... like that. It comes with the inconvenients of having a body, I suppose."

"No, but see, it's God we're talking about, so, it _didn't _have to be like that. It could have been like anything."

"God has their reasons."

"And I suppose we will never know about those, huh."

Aziraphale tutted.

"It's not for us to speculate. But I guess you _would_ get inquisitive about it."

"Well, it's not like She's gonna do anything about it, right ?"

"Ah, yes. Might as well make it worth the Fall, I take it ?"

Crowley grimaced, and for a second, Aziraphale regretted his slip-up. Crowley was still... Touchy, when it came to the subject of falling. A flash of pain would still cross his eyes, now and then, when the matter was suggested. Aziraphale kept telling himself not to talk about it, and for the most part, he didn't, but sometimes, he slipped. Crowley did such a good job at pretending he enjoyed being a demon (well, he didn't, really, Aziraphale knew he was lying through his teeth and he wasn't even good at lying to him, but, you know, good enough of a job), that Aziraphale occasionnally... forgot.

Just like every other time, though, Crowley shrugged it away.

"Yeah, anyway, not my point."

"Okay," Aziraphale said, "what is your point, then."

"My point... my point is..."

Crowley frowned, trying to remember his point.

Aziraphale wondered if he could go back to his book yet.

"My point is, it's sad."

"Sad ?"

Now, Crowley had succeeded in intriguing him.

The demon nodded.

"Sad."

"What is... sad, exactly ?"

"Well... They don't have anything else, you know ?"

Aziraphale was now thoroughly lost.

He wasn't sure he remembered what they were originally talking about.

"I don't think I get what you mean."

Crowley sighed, and started waving his hands as he launched into an explanation.

"See, angel, the humans, they fall in love. Or, well, lust, but let's just consider love. What, are you going to argue that, as a demon, I don't know what I'm talking about ? Really ? You ? To me ? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, they're in love, and you know, you want to... to..."

He frowned again, his hands suspended in the air as he looked for the right word.

Aziraphale loved the way Crowley moved when he was talking. No matter what body he inhabited at the moment, it was always fascinating to watch.

"To commune, I suppose ? To be one with the thing they love. So, in that case, the other person."

"Or God."

"Yeah, I know, your saint ones. Commune with God. As if they could, when we... I mean when you guys can't. Like I said. Sad. Anyway. I'm still on the main topic of sex, here, angel."

Aziraphale wished he weren't, but there was no distracting Crowley when he got like this.

"I do recall. So, what about it ?"

Crowley huffed.

"Well, that's it, actually. They're in love, they want to commune, or fuse, or whatever, and God gave them only the option of sex to do it."

"That's not the only way to be close."

"Yes, I am aware, angel, but will you listen ? I mean close as in physically. Their body is in the way, they can't get closer than... flesh on flesh, I suppose."

He looked distinctly disgusted with the notion.

"They have to do that frankly exhausting-looking movement repetition, they get fluids everywhere, and that's all. Most of the time it's not even that great, because they can't... stimulate the other's body exactly right. It's sad. They should have more options, I think, that's just cruel."

Aziraphale smiled, feeling cheeky.

"Oh ? And what did you have in mind ?"

Crowley was actually really wondering about that. Aziraphale could tell from the half-moves his left hand was trying to make, the scrunching of his nose, the purse of his lips, the searching looks under his shades.

"I think... for a start, I'd change the whole genitals thing. It doesn't work right. Plus, it makes a whole Thing of different attractions or whatever. Everybody should have the same set, I think, it'd make it easier. No. Wait. Actually, no genitals for anybody. Like I said, sex is gross and dumb. They should just be able to... Well, they'd still have a body, and all their experiences go through it, so... so they need a system working with it, and... nice feelings, but..."

Aziraphale put down his new old Bible on the table next to him."

"How, exactly, would that work, I'm not..."

"Well, my dear, how about something like this ? Aziraphale asked, putting his hands on Crowley's temple before the demon could react, and _fired._

Crowley, instantly, felt a wave of angelic warmth pouring directly into his body, sparks going through his head, and an _order,_ an _absolute order_ to _feel good_, to feel _loved_, to feel warm and perfect and so, so much more. It was like being held and touched and kissed all over, it was like being tucked into an embrace of feathers, it was like hot chocolate dripping down one's throat and ripening fruits exploding in his mouth.

"Wha-" he tried to say, but at the same time, Aziraphale's will intensified, and his body started to shake as the angel was relentlessly lighting up all of his nerves in the worst, in the best possible way, releasing love and pleasure and satisfaction all over.

The angel was barely touching his forehead, and Crowley was a whimpering, moaning mess, unable to move as the divine creature pined him down directly from his brain.

Then, it was all over, as Aziraphale let go of him.

Well, it was not... strictly over. The sparks and hormones the angel had released inside Crowley were still affecting him, the same way that alcohol keeps affecting someone even if he's not swallowing any _right now_.

And, in much the same way, Crowley, sluggishly blinking, discovered he could also get drunk on the pheromons and endorphin things these human bodies flung about during pleasurable activities.

"Huuuuh," he said, a lot less intelligently than usual.

"How was that, then ?" Aziraphale innocently asked. "Would that be an acceptable alternative for their current ordeal ?"

"It, huuuuuh. I... uh."

Aziraphale waited mercifully.

He _had_ put Crowley's brain and body through a little more than humans could typically put each other through without direct access to the sensations of their partner, after all. A human would probably have passed out. At least. He, well, he had gotten a bit carried away. Crowley trusted him so much, it made him want to... push, just a little bit. To see what the demon could take.

(Crowley, as it had frequently turned out, could take a lot.)

Anyway, Aziraphale had just given him the equivalent in intensity of ten simultaneous orgasms, for about two minutes. Which is a lot longer than it seems. And all of it, without any disgraceful fluid emission ! Surely Crowley would appreciate not even having to break a sweat. Aziraphale was not fond of sweat, himself, and tried to avoid it as much as he could.

"Thaaat.... That's a good sssstart, yessss," Crowley finally managed to say.

"I am glad you think so," Aziraphale nodded.

Crowley tried to glare at him from his place on the angel's knees, but, still dealing with the aftermath, he was having some trouble with that. Aziraphale did his best to smile innocently, and reached for his book again.

Crowley would probably be quiet for a little while, now, so...

"But..."

Ah. So he wouldn't.

"But ?"

"It's... it's still not it."

"Still not what, dear ?"

Crowley took three more staggering gulps of air.

Aziraphale waited, a little irritated now, until he could speak again. He had thought his demonstration was quite good, thank you very much !

His irritation was not enough to stop his hand from idly stroking Crowley's heaving chest, though, and one of the demon's hands came to rest on his wrist.

"It's still not... communing, see. We were still two."

"My dear, the humans can't... Like you said, their body is in the way of such things. It's not all bad, they can experience wonderful things through it, like... well, like food, my dear, or wind, or smells !"

Crowley nodded, his heartbeat finally calming under Aziraphale's hand.

"Yes, obviously, but they can't... Do things like that."

Now, to understand what Crowley did, as he spoke those words, one needs to stop a moment and remember that the two persons sitting on the sofas are, first and foremost, celestial beings.

_Of course I know that_, might one scoff, _you keep alluding to it_, and, fair enough, but, really, understand what it means : these are not two people sitting (or, in Crowley's case, sprawling) on a sofa. These are two celestial beings, currently inhabiting a fleshy body, which happen to be sitting on a sofa. The thing is, a body is a three-dimentional creation. Celestial beings have... a lot more dimensions than that. Think of it this way : most of the time, your three-dimentional body is standing on a two-dimensionnal surface, the floor (or equivalent.) You're affected by this, but you don't inhabit the floor. If the floor is lava, it hurts you, but you're still not inhabiting it. And, honestly, you're on it more because you have to, than because you want or need to. If you could part from the ground at will, you probably wouldn't feel much loss at all, provided that you do not return to it too fast (which would hurt. A lot.)

So, Crowley and Aziraphale are a bit... like that. They're in contact with their body. They use it. But their being is a lot, a LOT more than that.

And Crowley just mashed most of the rest of him into the rest of Aziraphale, on all dimensions they existed in. His being slotted into Aziraphale's, pushing and slithering and merging as much as he could, and, somewhere on Earth, two bodies sitting on a sofa opened their mouth in matching gaping expressions.

It felt like... It felt like...

It was undescriptable. Crowley, pushing himself into the angel, nestling into the warmth and love of this impossible bastard, felt so at home, so completely protected and safe, so cherished, that down on Earth, his body started to cry.

Aziraphale, for his part, after the initial surprise, felt a bit miffed at being... invaded, like that, but oh, Crowley was so... so small, so... so tiny. He fitted right in, a cold and dark sorry soul, craving his affection, craving him, and Aziraphale craddled him into himself, feeling more and more love toward this impossibly dear little thing, so much that, down on Earth, his body started to cry.

_Oh, _said the small, cold and scared soul. _I love you. I love you so much. Please. Love me too ?_

_Of course, _said the terrifyingly bright light, _of course my dear. I love you. I'll care for you. Stay with me ?_

_Always, _said Crowley, _till the very end. And maybe some after that._

_I'll hold you to it, _said Aziraphale.

He tugged Crowley's bits and pieces closer to himself, wishing to warm them at the heat of his heart, of his Grace, wanting him to shine with the light he so truly deserved.

Crowley let himself be wrapped snuggly around Aziraphale's core, trying to absorb some of his freely-given fire, trying to cool down what was surely an uncomfortably hot inferno of holiness.

They stayed like that for a while.

It's hard to define time in those celestial dimensions, but it was definitely a long time.

When they finally untangled their beings, the tears had long dried on their body's faces.

Down on a sofa in a Soho bookshop, a plump, manicured hand stroked a taunt, tired face.

"Oh, _Crowley_. That was lovely."

Crowley blushed.

"Hum, yeah, I'd been meaning to... Try that. I'm... I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Oh, I always enjoy your company."

Crowley blushed even harder. Aziraphale was staring at him with such adoring eyes, he was considering getting up and going on a quest to find a pillow to scream into.

"I love you, dear," Aziraphale said.

"I... I know," Crowley whimpered.

(Except he did not whimper, most definitely not, come on.)

Aziraphale's fingers lulled him through his embarrassment.

"And I suppose you were right, love."

"Huh ?"

Aziraphale smirked.

"Well, compared to that... God really _did_ do them dirty, with the whole sex affair."


End file.
